Remember how I went and had weight loss surgery? And then I lost all that weight and was all “WOO, I’m done! I never have to think about it AGAIN!”
Man, I am delusional.
But even the best delusions come to an end for me, so last week I buckled down and admitted that hey, I need to DO SOMETHING to get myself back on track with the whole eating right & keeping fit deal because good intentions were not getting me very far. My good intentions were instead getting my ass a bit bigger, because even if I don’t absorb all of the food I eat, if it’s mostly carbs and processed junky food, that food that’s being absorbed is still going to add back some of the pounds I lost. So even though my doctor says I look good and my bloodwork says I’m super healthy, I decided to go on a diet starting this week.
I know. I thought I would never have to be on one again either.
I remember the day I found out from my surgeon’s office that I didn’t need to go back to any Weight Watchers meetings because my surgery had been approved. I threw away all of the materials, and I felt so very good doing it. I never had to sit around and listen to people talk about how good that fake cheesecake recipe was! Or be told I was going to be disappointed with myself because I gained half a pound! Or listen to them talk about good foods versus bad foods and then watch my own binge eating disorder rear its ugly head on my way home from weighing in.
(You can probably guess where this is going.)
Yesterday I signed up for Weight Watchers Online, and I spent the day remembering one simple fact: Dieting is hard, yo. Thinking about what I’m putting in my mouth and deciding if it’s worth it. Weighing the difference between a scone (yum!) or a spinach wrap (also yum but not scone yum). Paying attention to portion sizes and vitamins and how much water I’m drinking (a lot, by the way). Telling myself that no, I’m not actually hungry, I’m just bored.
I would rather be back in Managerial Accounting, quite frankly, and I dreaded that class.
Before I told her I was doing the WW Online thing, Sheila suggested that I join an in person program that she is running, and I had to tell her I couldn’t. For one thing, it costs too much, but for another (more major) thing, I realize now that I cannot do that group diet thing. I cannot be told “This is good and this is bad” and listen to other people’s tricks and manipulations and weird food issues because they just trigger me to do my own tricks and manipulations. And that kind of setting has never done anything for me other than make me rebellious and bingey and unhappy. And I don’t want to be unhappy.
But this time I have a friend to help me through the “Dude, this SUCKS” part that always happens at the beginning of a diet, and I have a plan to follow without anyone policing me and most of all, I have an actual true desire to turn my behavior around. Dieting is hard, and it sucks, because it makes me be responsible for what goes in my mouth and it makes me think about things that I don’t want to think about and it makes me stop finding weird justifications for everything.
But weirdly enough, for the first time ever in all my years of dieting, I feel good about this. I feel good about eating a salad with tuna and going for a brisk walk at lunch because I know tonight’s dinner will be full of tasty, tasty calories. I feel good about finally taking my vitamins and drinking my water and eating breakfast.
Most of all, I feel good about being able to acknowledge that dieting sucks and is hard and does not feel good but still not considering giving up. Sometimes, uncomfortable can be a good thing. I get that now, in a way I never was able to before.
My therapist will be so proud.
